England Is Spinning Out Of Control

First there were reports of badgers eating midgets, now there's drunken, incontinent psychos pooping on hedgehogs. When will this madness end?

A man who defecated on a dead hedgehog in the street in the middle of the day coolly gave the arresting officer his reason.

“When you’ve got to go, you’ve got to go,” said Victor Ford.

On a hedgehog. Accept no substitutes. No wolverines, rabbits, field mice, armadillos or ground squirrels. It's a hedgehog or the launch sequence somes to a screeching halt.

The 34-year-old was squatting over the grass verge with his jeans around his knees when a police officer drove along Balmoral Avenue, Spalding, at 1.20pm on July 3.

Deborah Cartwright, prosecuting at court, said the officer stopped his patrol car and walked over to Ford, who was standing up and pulling up his jeans.

The officer looked at the ground where Ford had been squatting and saw “fresh human faeces on top of a dead hedgehog”.

There's nothing like spending a good part of your life training for emergencies, preparing yourself for the most heinious crimes, steeling your resolve to perform to your utmost ability no matter the circumstances ... and then scrapping a hedgehog off someone's arse. Right, please don't squeeze the Charmin.

District Judge John Stobart fined Ford £100 and ordered him to pay £85 costs and a £15 victim surcharge.

[...]Rather than activate Ford’s suspended sentence, Mr Stobart decided to “make it more onerous” by barring him from going to Scotland for three days. He explained to Ford that he had to do something to make the prison order worse because he did not want to activate the sentence.

The judge said: “It sounds stupid and it is stupid.”

Obviously Scotland is swarming with fecal deficient hedgehogs. Huh?

I have had to reconcile myself to the fact that nothing about this makes any sense.