Victim Land

Nickie Goomba says:
LET THESE PEOPLE GO!

I am sitting down tonight and writing a long, rambling and profane letter to my legislators. They are going to learn of my plan to return the United States to a position of prestige and abundance. My plan? Give California away. Well, it's a little more complicated than that.

The USA is an oppressive nation. We can all agree on that. It's hard to find a group that hasn't been belittled and dominated by religious gun-toting capitalist white males and their ilk. I propose a new and independent nation called VICTIM LAND formed in what is now California. Existing homes will be given to anybody who has, in the past, identified himself or herself or itself as a victim. That's it. Case closed.

All victims get to live and be part of a community that will understand their struggles against oppression. Transgenders will surf with midgets. Feminists will frequent the lush state park system shoulder to shoulder with Islamic fundamentalists and hippies, environmentalists and illegal aliens, marxists and racial minorities. Theirs will be a land of plenty, the ultimate land of fairness, a bastion of understanding whose bright florescent beacon of love and equality will shine bright (but efficiently) as an example to all the world.

Oh, and when VICTIM LAND has welcomed its whining masses yearning to breathe free, its tired, its poor, and its complainers... THEN, we'll build a giant goddam wall and SECURE OUR BORDERS.

VICTIM LAND's immigration plan will be better and much more equitable and generous than America's mean-spirited approach. All will be welcome to share in the abundance. Trial lawyers and doctors will all work pro bono. Every one of Victim Land's plentiful jobs will be a union job. Food and medical care and child care and speech will all be free. Welfare will be generous. And there will be no more religious domination of the society. Talk of God will be forbidden everywhere, except in the mosques.

Anyone with a grievance can travel free to Berkeley (or Santa Monica or wherever they choose as their nation's capital) to protest anything while carrying free government-supplied and ergonomically correct signs. Citizens will scurry from "green villages" to "organic co-ops" in solar-powered bicycles and wind-powered land ferries. Everybody, for their own safety, will be mandated to wear seat belts, helmets, and big foamy underwear from morning to night. And, of course, no citizen will ever be offended. That promise will be in their constitution.

This is an idea whose time has come. On this blog's right hand column you'll find our poster and script you can insert into your blog to tell the world that it's finally time for the USA to play fair.