White House Kegger a "big waste of time"

WASHINGTON, D.C. (Goomba News Network) -

In the end, the great White House Suds Summit failed to live up to President Obama's basic definition of “a teachable moment.”

Vice-president Joe Biden was heard to comment "I've seen better communication in a Delaware 7-11."

“Did anyone apologize?” our reporter yelled at Cambridge Sgt. James Crowley, whose reputation as the most famous cop in the land was made on a disorderly pinch.

“Hell, No! That stubborn a**hole kept right on ranting through the whole damn thing. I thought I'd start of the thing with a toast to something we could agree on, so I says 'Here's to the Celtics!'. I thought his head would explode. He said something about ofay, and then he screamed a disgusting insult about Larry Bird's mother. ”

Question: “What did the President do?”

Answer: “He kept sipping his beer.”

In an exchange he'd "probably prefer to forget,” Jim Crowley said that he and Henry Louis “Skip” Gates Jr. took turns drunkenly describing where each other could shove their “teachable moments.” Fisticuffs ensued.

It is now tragically obvious that a police officer, a Harvard "intellectual" a president and vice president of the United States wrestling around in a beer puddle under a child's picnic table did little to improve race relations in America.

“Yes,” Crowley said - he knows where and when he will meet Gates again, but he refused to tell us.

In the same White House briefing room where Barack Obama tried to extricate his foot from his mouth one week ago, the real show yesterday was watching the media divas from the national press corps carp and moan about “what a ridiculous (expletive) story” they found themselves trapped in.

White House spokesman Bill Tooley described the meeting as an unfortunate setback to race relations and a big waste of time, but surprised the gathered throng by announcing that the President will soon be naming a new national Beer Czar.

In the withering heat of a late afternoon, they waited in vain for a bloodied Skip to make an appearance at the bank of microphones. Skip Gates was quietly poured into a taxi headed back to Martha’s Vineyard last night, but Crowley thankfully tossed the national media herd a few details from yesterday’s rumored Rose Garden slap fight. The physical altercation lasted for about six minutes until Secret Service agents overpowered the lager-soaked quartet. Both Obama and Biden suffered scrapes and bruises in the melee.

“They all took off ,” one forlorned CBS newsman muttered.

“My face is about to melt off,” Helen Thomas sighed, “and I still haven't been able to ask these lightweights what they would heve done if they'd each had a second beer. I miss Bush.”