Detroit - Former child movie star and Government Automobile Collective line worker, Johnny Five was found discharged and over-lubricated outside a Detroit scrapyard early yesterday. First reports indicate death by aerosol lubricant combined with terminal battery failure. He suffered from several ferrous conditions. His death has been ruled a suicide. Mr. Five was twenty-five.
Following a declining big-screen career, Mr. Five was employed at the former General Motors Saturn assembly line, producing over three million chassis spot welds per day. Five was terminated in the widely applauded, Obama-sponsored, employment upsizing and cost-expansion program at GAC. He was replaced by 11,524 UAW employees in an effort to increase production inefficiency.
Following his termination, Mr. Five was rumored to have fallen into Liquid Wrench and battery-charger addiction, sometimes remaining on a charger for several days at a time. His former agent Ira Schwartz revealed that Five was working on a book entitled "Running Skunk Dogs of Socialism", chronicling his days at GAC and later dismissal. He claimed in his 2008 interview with Popular Mechanics that he was unable to obtain licensing for his book from the Obama Office of Cultural Affairs, Literary, Non-Fiction Department.
Five's long-time companion, R2D2, said that he left no will but his wishes were that he be recycled. No calling hours are planned.
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