10 Confessions of a Fox News Viewer

Okay, I like Fox. I do, even though my favorite show is on at 2 AM CST. But ... here are the top 10 things I would like to ask or know about my favorite network:

10. Those babes at the top and the bottom of the hour ... What are the odds they are knocked on their cans on the Galveston Seawall during a hurricane?

9. Speaking of hurricanes, you know when you have Geraldo Rivera as your lib representatives on your network, you leave yourself open to criticism: "There's a man in the water!!! A man in the water!!! AHHH!! ... Oh, he's working. Back to you."

8. Unlike roller coasters, O'Reilly can only be taken in large quantities if you are on some form of medication or are under 48" tall, that is, small enough to be impressed by some one who successfully located a new big word in the dictionary. "Pusillanimous" ... Don't be a pusillanimous ... (insert smile like Biff from Back to the Future).

7. Now that Brit Hume is gone, I am glad to see Jerry Mathers landed on his feet with a new gig.

6. Speaking of Brett Baier's show, which is my second favorite on Fox, would some one (Kirsten Powers would do) just reach over and slap Krauthammer ... right in the middle of whatever he is saying? Hard. Any time and on any topic. And when he glares at you, do it again. Then, let's listen to him drone on about civility.

5. Hannity can repeat talking points with the tenacity of an auctioneer moving in for the sale. He is a surely good guy to have on our side and along for the ride (as long as there are lots of signs along the way with big print).

4. Speaking of Hannity, those sorority gals he has on to discuss (like, totally ... whatever) you know, like, political thingys and stuff ... yeah, "liberals, like suck Sean.". And they travel in pairs. Throw 'em a football. Tip drill. You know, just once they need to bring out some Minnesota curling chicks to do that segment. That would be good political TV.

3. Pat Caddell's hair. (Copyright notice: New name for a blog. It may already be taken though.)

2. Is it just me, or is Glenn Beck really this guy:



1. Shepard Smith is an odious, vapid man. ("They are murdering people on this bridge in New Orleans, you know, I'm from near here, Bill. There are thousands and thousands dead from Katrina." For which, your humble correspondent Bill O'Reilly deigned him worthy of a Peabody -- actually, a Pulitzer -- right on the spot, of course.) Shep is like, well ... Al Franken plus Red Bull and makeup, minus sense of humor.

That's all. Now, go enjoy our favorite cable channel.

Okay 11 ... Bonus: I swear, and I like Huck. But I tell you when he is up there with that bass, one time he is going to stop and break right into a commercial for some magic oil that he pulls out of his suit coat pocket. I might buy it, mind you. But I'm just sayin' ...