BREAKING NEWS

OBAMA PROMISES TORT REFORM

(Goomba News Network) Washington DC - In a surprising Thursday afternoon announcement, President Obama surprised political friends and foes alike by proposing sweeping Tort Reform in order to improve the chances of passing his highly unpopular healthcare plan.

Mr. Obama made his case by stating:

"Close to 80% of Americans are overweight or obese, according to recent state Health Department data. Previous administrations have allowed this situation to worsen, threatening the health of millions of women and children. There are countless greasy burger joints, downtown back-alley eateries, and glossy fast-food outlets. But, nothing has proved more damaging to the health of honest hard-working Americans than the frighteningly high-fat fruit and custard torts available on almost every street corner. The devious pushers of poison so often disguise themselves as trendy eco-friendly bakeries."

"These Torts are often referred to as healthy food deserts," said Dr. Ezekial Emaunuel, director of the President's Office of Health Improvement. "There are very few quality healthy food items in these bakeries and there's an abundance of fat, white flour, and sugar-laden products. It's a health epidemic."

President Obama promised to "punch back twice as hard" to withstand the expected attacks on his proposed heath reform legislation by "fat waddling panderers of corpulence and hate. He pledged to end the sale of Torts by promising "I'll stop them on the beaches. I'll stop them in the streets. I will protect the children."

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