(Cutter Network News) -- In a stunning development today, the Philadelphia Eagles changed their name to the Philadelphia Beagles. The name change was announced via a press release delivered to only three news outlets at 10 AM EST: the CNN, Philadelphia Daily News, and Zoo Too. The Beagles' statement read, "We believe that changing the name to the Beagles reflects our values of being sensitive to the plight of animals, particularly dogs. Many of our players own dogs, and we determine that they all like dogs before we draft or sign them. We work our players like dogs, but that means we love them. We will do anything pretty much anything for dogs now."
This announcement came as a rumors mounted that NFL's Philadelphia franchise was being required to make heavy concessions to animal rights' activists as a condition for signing convicted dog-abuser and closet Republican, Michael Vick.
Four hours later at 2 PM EST, the Beagles informed all local and national media that QB Michael Vick had indeed been signed, ending intense speculation as to where the convicted dog-fighter would land. "I'm very happy to be out of the dog house and with the Beagles," Vick said.
Four hours later at 2 PM EST, the Beagles informed all local and national media that QB Michael Vick had indeed been signed, ending intense speculation as to where the convicted dog-fighter would land. "I'm very happy to be out of the dog house and with the Beagles," Vick said. An unnamed Beagles spokesman in the GM's office confirmed that, as a condition of Vick's signing, in lieu of interminable lecturing by sanctimonious animal rights' activists, Vick would be required to write 100 times on the Eagles' chalkboard before every game:
"I swear that I understand how insufferable pro-abortion liberals are steaming mad at me and would hold me -- an NFL jock -- to a higher moral standard than the U.S. Congress, I swear I do ... What a steaming 'Fortress'!!"
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