Save the Trees

I walked to town this morning. My household supply of martini olives had grown alarmingly low, so I strolled up to the local Shop 'N Bag with the goal of replenishing a few of life's staples. I almost turned back after spotting Corina Flatt-Tuttle perched at a card table just to the right of the automatic doors.

She's an energetic steel-eyed New Age gal who resembles a shorter and less mellow Bea Arthur. Corina was collecting signatures. I gathered my pluck and paced steadily forward.

"Corina, what a glorious morning. God's up there in the big chair and, basically, the world's not bad."

She lit up like a puppy.

"Nickie, I need your help. The Nevada County Mothers for Healthy Air need you to support us. We want people to breathe freely. I know you do too."

I looked for a quick escape, but a gaggle of Seniors were approaching the entrance with a hesitancy usually reserved for llamas leaping through inner tubes.

"It's at the top of my list."

Relief swept over her.

"We must ban fireplaces and woodstoves that spew out their filth and poison our children. You have probably noticed the extreme heat lately. Someone has to do something to lessen this County's carbon footprint. We'd also be saving our native forests and their habitat. Sign right here."

I breathed deeply and spoke slowly.

"I have noticed the heat. I chalked it up to that whole Summer thing. Corina, this community is surrounded my millions of acres of forest, and, at present, there is an active forest fire gobbling up thousands of acres a day. T'was ever thus. Show me where I can sign to have the government ban forest fires.

Anyhoo, I've always considered trees to be a renewable resource. Chestnuts roasting on an Aga stove? I'm gonna have to think this one over."

At that moment, I felt as one with child molesters perp-walked past glaring parents. Bill Buckner and I were birds of a feather. Corina Flatt-Tuttle's glare clearly wished harm to my spawn for generations to come.

The oldsters at the entrance had collectively solved the puzzle of the stacked red shopping baskets, so I slunk gingerly into the air-conditioned sanctuary.

I bought olives, ham steaks, and a jar of fair trade organic dye-free peppercorns.

I'm not totally unsympathetic to the cause.